Thursday, April 1, 2010

Broken, bankrupt Britain is all our fault, admits Cameron

Close observers of the UK election campaign were shocked yesterday as David Cameron made an audacious pitch to the British people, admitting that most of the country's problems were ultimately his party's fault.

'It's time to come clean', he announced to a packed press conference at Millbank. 'An explosion of personal debt, the catastrophic deregulation of the financial sector, the decimation of British manufacturing, the collapse of the education system, a gridlocked transport system, social decay and disaffected youth - what a mess this country is in. But our people want honesty in politics. For that reason, I'm going to admit today, that it's all our fault'.

Cameron went on 'if we hadn't crushed manufacturing with a brutal monetarist squeeze in order to destroy the unions in the 1980s, we might not have needed to rely on a free-for-all in an unregulated financial sector, nor would we have presided over a decade and a half of mass unemployment, destroying the social fabric in the very areas we now describe as "broken Britain"'.

He added 'even our crappy education system, that's our fault too - years of pointless initiatives and targets, and casual criticism of the teaching profession, demoralized the sector and turned it into a bureaucratic, jargon-ridden nightmare, where nobody learns anything. Well, at least Eton's still alright'.

Cameron concluded, before the gaping mouths of shocked journalists and party hacks, 'that's why I'm asking the British people, give us one more chance to finish this country off once and for all. We'll squeeze the public sector until people get sick of its poor standards and then we can privatize everything. Apart from the banks, we all know they can't survive out there in the market'.

David Cameron is 42 and a half.